Teacher Tuesday: The Book on Love

My first disclaimer - The pictures in this blog may not represent actual couples. They were selected because they had a male and female in the same shot and represented the topic of today's blog.

My youngest child is a 14-year-old daughter. 

Needless to say, we have rules that govern her social life – no dating, no kissing, no hugging, no slow dancing, no eye-gazing, no flirty smiling, no texting, no calling, no emailing, no skyping, no IMing, no Twittering, no Facebook-friending, no visiting and no eating at the lunch table - with boys.  Ever.

She cooperated nicely with our rules for a minute. Earlier, she had decided that she didn’t ever want to get married, and she was never having children because she wanted to be the best aunt in the world. Apparently, in order to be the best aunt, her attention couldn’t be divided by husbands and kids so she eliminated them from her future.

My husband and I liked that plan. We thought it might get us safely through her teenage years.

But then a “really, really cute guy” came into the picture, and there was eye-gazing and a lot of texting. Their school-hallway relationship lasted less than two weeks.

Then another “really, really cute guy” came into the picture, and there was more eye-gazing and endless texting. This guy even bought her Lucky Charms and Kraft Macaroni & Cheese for Valentine’s Day, but he only made it half-way through Day 3 of the relationship. The silly kid was texting another girl, and my daughter broke up with him for “cheating.”

Recently, she came home from school and made the announcement that she was “dating.”

I asked, “Does he drive?”

“Mommmmm, no! He’s only 14!”

“Well, then how are you ‘dating?’”  

I still haven’t gotten an answer from her – I guess it’s a pretty dumb question to a teenager – but I’ve figured it out on my own. Fourteen-year-old “dating” is nothing but exclusive texting at 9:00pm and changing your Facebook status to “in a relationship.”

Now that we’ve reached this stage of life, we had to make some real rules – real rules that had valid reasons behind them that she could understand. Rules that made her think, ‘I may not like these right now, but my parents love me, and they’re for my own good.’ We stated our expectations clearly and plan to give her all the help she needs so she can be successful in following our rules and focusing on the things that really matter at this time of her life – like school.

Shepherds College does much the same thing for our students.

Our Student Handbook states, “An important part of any individual’s development and pursuit of independence is the ability to develop healthy relationships, including relationships with members of the opposite sex. In an effort to encourage healthy male-female relationships and promote social development outside the realm of dating, we established a dating policy that intentionally seeks to prevent unhealthy interactions between any pair of students.”

To this end, we’ve set sexual purity/dating standards and hold each student to them:

1.       Respect personal boundaries. Avoid unnecessary physical contact, and don’t reveal all your thoughts and feelings.

2.       Resist temptation by maintaining control of yourself physically and mentally. Carefully manage your thought life.

3.       Refrain from being alone with a student of the opposite sex, and avoid becoming emotionally consumed with one particular person.

4.       All interactions that are sexually oriented need to be avoided.

5.       You will be held accountable for your behavior and will be subject to consequences should you choose not to follow the rules.

Mrs. Kolkman, as the instructor in Personal Development 1, is now giving the first-year students tools to help them through the next three years of relationships and, hopefully, her teaching will guide them through the years of relationships to follow their time at Shepherds College.

Her class is studying Love. 

“By this we know love, that He laid down His life for us, and we ought to lay down our lives for the brothers. But if anyone has the world’s goods and sees his brother in need, yet closes his heart against him, how does God’s love abide in him? Little children, let us not love in word or talk but in deed and in truth.”  ~ 1 John 3:16-18

They’re discussing three different types of Love:

Agape – the unconditional love God shows to us, and that He makes possible for us to show in return through the indwelling of His Holy Spirit. 

Philos – the affectionate love of friends or the sentimental love of an object

Eros – the love reserved for a married couple

Mr. & Mrs. Kolkman

Because it’s so easy to confuse the different types of love, Mrs. Kolkman chose to illustrate them by showing clips from several movies: Mean Girls, Juno and The Passion of the Christ. Based on the clips shown, it turned out that true love was only demonstrated in one of the movies! Now the students are watching the movie Fireproof and will start talking about the differences between men and women. The tough topic of abuse will also be covered.

The students have already defined love and talked through the dating policy I summarized above.

They also had a heart-to-heart about important issues in dating, like integrity, discernment with our relationships, purity not only in body but in spirit, and why there needs to be rules.

Mrs. Kolkman brought in a mousetrap to demonstrate temptation and how it can lead us into sin, or being trapped, just like the little mouse who only wanted a bit of cheese…

The rules help us set boundaries so we can maintain our integrity and purity, and they help us use discernment when we’re faced with choices. 

It’s our love of the students that determined our rules in the first place. We want what’s best for them in their education, in their relationships, and throughout their appropriately independent lives. 

Isn’t that what love is all about?

“For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life.”  ~ John 3:16

 

Shepherds College - Guiding Your Transition to Appropriate Independence. Please visit us at www.shepherdscollege.edu.

The Language of Love

It’s Valentine’s Day! One day the world sets apart from the rest to express love to others.

It’s fun to work in the front office on Valentine’s Day. Deliveries arrive at various times in the morning and afternoon - miniature rose bushes, fruit baskets, colorful bouquets of flowers, dancing pigs, and newly printed college brochures.

The last item was mine.

I don’t expect to ever receive a large bouquet of pretty flowers or a cute pig wiggling his corkscrew tail to “Cupig Shuffle” on this day, or any other. Possibly the fruit basket, but until businesses start delivering large bouquets of fresh cut basil, or send deliverymen that bear no gifts except the offer to write the spring appeal for me, I’m not interested. My husband has it easy.

Instead, he and I wander through the card department of our local grocery store, read lacey, blossom-bedecked and glitter-bedazzled valentines until we find the perfect ones for each other. I hand him a card, and he gives me one in return – hopefully one that doesn’t rhyme. Bleeeech.

“Here honey,” we say, “This is how I feel about you.” 

We read them, gaze longingly into each other eyes… crack up, put the cards back and move on to buy more groceries – my love language. I hug his arm as he pushes the cart up the aisle – his love language.

So Valentine’s Day isn’t about the flowers, the chocolate, the jewelry, the dinners or the cards. It’s about communicating “I love you” in a way the recipient can understand and absorb into his or her heart.

That’s what I want to do today – communicate, in simple, heart-felt words, love and appreciation to the people that make up the family of Shepherds College.

“I love the staff’s eternal patience and their problem solving skills. They are always thinking out of the box!” ~ Tina, parent of a second-year student

 “I love the staff. They help me when I need help. I love them!”  ~ Kati, first-year student

“I deeply appreciate parents who thank me for genuinely caring about their son or daughter. It goes beyond recognition for hard work or a pat on the back for a job well done. When a parent knows you love their child, you share something deeply meaningful in common. They no longer look at you just as a manager, recruiter, or instructor, but as a close friend as well.”  ~ Mr. Canright, Lead Recruiter and Transition Coordinator

“A big hug and prayer of blessings for all the great faculty and staff at Shepherds College. The love of Christ shines through you, and makes ALL the difference in the life of our son! Thanks and a holy kiss to all of you!”  ~ Lynn & Steve, parents of a third-year student

“I love that I get to partner with parents for the success of the student. Every parent is committed to their student – we have that in common. Great parents make my role better. Just thinking about our parents makes me smile! Their encouragement is so valuable for me.”  ~ Mrs. Konopasek, Instructor and Academic Advisor

“To the staff and faculty of Shepherds College – thank you for the wonderful job you do. We know you love what you do! Happy Valentine’s Day!”  ~ Jenny, parent of a first-year student

“I love my parents! They are genuinely interested in what is going on with their student at Shepherds College. They want to know the basketball schedule, how their student’s weekend went, and they do a great job communicating with me!”  ~ Miss Pollard, Instructor and Academic Advisor

“What I love most about the staff of Shepherds College is that they are so caring and very kind. I felt right at home at Shepherds College. The staff was there for me through everything I went through. Every high and low in my life, they were there. They also helped me grow and stretch in so many ways. I am the person I am today because of the Shepherds College staff!”  ~ Gloria, Class of 2011

“I love our parents. They jump in with both feet in working with the college to find the best way to help their son or daughter reach their highest potential, not only with daily living skills, but also in social settings and spiritually.  I love their open-minded spirit to work with our faculty as they find ways to help the students overcome personal challenges in their lives.”  ~ Mrs. Harvey, Administrative Assistant

“One of the many things I love about Shepherds College staff is the way they are always looking out for ways to help their students grow individually. My nephew’s counselor, Laura, seems to recognize what he needs before anyone else does! She recently gave him a position of authority on a student council to help him learn more about making decisions and leading others. This is definitely an area in which he struggles. I am so impressed with the way the staff helps every individual student reach his/her own level of Appropriate Independence in every area of his/her life. I am so grateful to have these people in my nephew’s life. He will be forever changed for the better from his experiences there.  Happy Valentine’s Day to your wonderful staff!!”  ~ Suzan, aunt to a first-year student

“I love the way our parents encourage and support their children to be more independent. I also appreciate their involvement with their kids! I also love to see how much the students love their parents, which tells me that the parents are doing a great job!”  ~ Miss Spence, Transporter

“I love that the Shepherds College staff are growing Christians and involved in their local churches. That they love the students and tirelessly want to see their lives improved.”  ~ Dr. Amstutz, President of Shepherds Ministries

“I have a prayer that Lynn, one of our parents, emailed to me during her son’s first year. It’s still posted to my bulletin board. It will be posted as long as I work with individuals with special needs. It says, ‘Father, be with Elyse this day. May she depend on you in every circumstance. Bless her with strength and wisdom in all she’ll face. One day is unlike every other, and in her case even more so. Help her go with Your flow. And let the students she interacts with see Christ in her…’  I have received similar prayers from Kelsie’s parents, Sierra’s mom, Sean’s parents, Zoe’s parents…”  ~ Mrs. Cyr, Instructor and Academic Advisor

That’s a lot of love! And what’s so cool? It didn’t all happen on Valentine’s Day. This represents love expressed in different ways, in tangible ways, all year round -just the way God wants it to be in your family, in my family, in the Shepherds College family, in His family.

“A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another.  By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.” John 13:34-35  

 

Shepherds College - Guiding Your Transition to Appropriate Independence. Please visit us at www.shepherdscollege.edu.

Showing the Love

There’s something that always makes my heart beat a little quicker, my mind feel a bit more focused, my world seem brighter and more exciting. It’s conversations that go something like this -

Becci: “My husband and I are going out tonight.”

Me: “Is he taking you out to dinner? Where? What are you going to eat?”

Or

Joy: “My kids are coming home tonight.”
Me: “Are you cooking? What did you decide to make for dinner?”

Or

Hubbie: “Kris is getting married. We need to make plans for a trip to OK in the fall. Let’s look at the budg… Hey! Where are you going?”

Me: “I’m going online to check out the Diners, Drive-ins & Dives website. I’ll map out all the good restaurants between Milwaukee and Oklahoma City.”

Of course, it’s not all talk. My husband knows if he’s in trouble he simply has to take me to Barnes & Noble to pick out a new cookbook, or mention reservations at the new bistro that opened up in town, or bring home a bag of tomatoes. All will be right in his world again.

Because in my world, food = love.

I remember the day my love language was clearly defined for me. I was eight years old, and I was standing by the stove watching my mom burn pork chops. As she was flipping them and scowling into the skillet, I started asking her questions, “How do you know when to turn them over? How do you know when they’re done? Is it when they’re black? Why do you salt them? Why do you put pepper on them? Why do you put soy sauce on them? Won’t that taste weird?”  My mom bent her head back and yelled at the ceiling, “I HATE cooking!!!”

I remember feeling like all the breath had been knocked out of my body. I was shocked, indignant and strangely hurt, like she had just told me, “Susan, I just realized that you’re my least favorite child. I don’t want to take care of you anymore. Go live at the neighbors.”

I do know that’s not what she was really saying, but that was the day I realized how important food is and how it clearly symbolized so much more than just fuel for my body. An invitation to dinner says, “I like you and I want to spend time getting to know you.” Making a good meal for my family says, “I care about you and I’m taking the time to show it.” Getting a box of chocolates says, “I’ll love you even when you gain 20 pounds finishing off these hand-dipped raspberry crèmes.” Providing a meal for a shut-in says, “Don’t worry about anything. You will be cared for.”

I told you all this so you understand the significance of my next statement -

The Residential Life staff went grocery shopping  for the students!!!

Yesterday, with joy and excitement, they went on a big shopping trip to Woodman’s in Kenosha (where the students will all be shopping during the school year) and loaded up carts and cars and cabinets with FOOD!!

Students, you’ll be making a meal out of this food and learning new skills together.

You’ll be eating dinner and laughing as you get to know each other.

You’ll be popping popcorn to watch a movie with a new friend.

You’ll be making Jell-O and sharing special memories of all the fun ways your mom made it for you at home.

You will be chopping some of it, cooking some of it, spilling some of it, and sharing all of it. As you deal with this food every day you will learn to work together, to care for each other, and how to care for your bodies. You will learn that sharing builds trust and friendships, that knowing how to work with food can lead to Appropriate Independence, that food makes people feel welcome around you, and that God always provides for His children.

So students, know that when the staff was shopping for all the food you see above, they were thinking of so much more than just filling your stomachs.

They were saying, "You will be well cared for at Shepherds College."

Students having dinner with Mrs. Leith

Shepherds College - Guiding Your Transition to Appropriate Independence. Please visit us at www.shepherdscollege.edu.