The Office: The Empty Nest Syndrome

Thank you to Cathy, Administrative Assistant to Shepherds College, and Lora, parent of a third-year student, for writing today's blog.

There are two camps of parents when it comes to the topic of what the American culture calls the empty nest. Like Dr. and Mrs. Huxtable on The Cosby Show of the 80’s, some parents can hardly wait!  They are packing their children’s bags and pointing them to the door.  Good Luck, Godspeed, get a job, and off you go!  Others can hardly bear the thought of transitioning out of a life filled with the care and memories of having all their children at home.

I will admit my husband and I were in the Huxtable camp, digging suitcases out from under the beds and from the dark corners of closets, helping them pack and sending them off with all the paraphernalia we thought they would need to leave and not cleave.  We did not, however, expect the empty nest years to show up quite so suddenly when all three of our children joined the military or got married all in the same summer!  It was a bit of a culture shock, yet still, with barely a pause, we waved good-bye with a “hallelujah” and a high five as we looked forward to just the two of us once again.  Ahhh, the blissful sounds of silence!

For parents of students with disabilities, home life often harbors a different family and parent-child dynamic.  There has probably been an overwhelming attention to detail for many years which makes letting go so much harder.  Hours of one-on-one training, years of doctor appointments, med changes and adjustments, and advocating in schools and with a parade of teachers over the years does not make it easy at all for parents of Shepherds College students to drop their cherished treasures off and walk away without at least a little load of worries.  For some parents the process feels more like the shredding of their hearts and lives. It is not easy. One of our third year parents recently shared the path of her struggle in letting go of a child who had daily been an intricate part of her life.

"I miss my daughter with all my heart and soul. Every minute of every day I think of her and miss her. I can honestly say that I really do miss her all the time. I couldn’t believe how much I missed having her smiling face around and her companionship; her positive outlook on life. We were very much together all the time.  She has always brought laughter to our house. We all love that about her, and I missed that from the very moment we dropped her off. She is always happy and brings me joy, so it was a huge absence of all of what she brought to my world and that was more difficult than I ever imagined. I am very proud of her and truly miss being with her and seeing her every day! The ‘letting go' experience was far harder than we had ever expected. Speaking for just myself and not my husband, the weeks leading up to her moving into school the first year was beyond scary. I was so worried and afraid. Our student is one of three children. She is our middle daughter. Her older sister graduated from college in 2008 and is married with children. Our youngest daughter left for her first year of college at the same time as our daughter attending Shepherds College. For me, it was letting go of two of my children and becoming an empty nester for the first time all at once. 

My other two girls became independent and it was a natural transition for them to head off to college. It was difficult for me to see them off to school, and I was very sad and missed them, but I wasn’t worried about the decision of college life. It was a different situation when our daughter left for Shepherds. She had not yet become an independent adult and still required a lot of guidance. Not only was she not independent, but she was always with me. Aside from when she was at work or I was at work, she was a full part of my life and we were always together. I continued to worry about whether we had made the right decision in letting go of her and sending her to Shepherds. The first six weeks of her first year we did not visit or see her. We live in Wisconsin so we are close. I heard she was not sleeping, and she was crying and very homesick. Ugh! 

On my end, the first months were beyond difficult. I was so worried. I couldn’t sleep. I felt sick to my stomach all the time. I cried all the time (and I rarely cry). I couldn’t stop worrying and wondering if we had made the right decision.  I worried constantly. Did we make the right decision? Will she be okay? Is she happy? Is she getting the attention she needs? Will she lose her spirit and her fun personality with all the accountability and structure? Will she grow? Will she make friends? What will happen at the end of three years? 

As time moved on, it became a bit easier and, although it never seems ‘normal’ for her to be out of the house and living at school, it has become routine. She has had struggles and triumphs. She has grown and learned so much during the first two years. We have noticed maturity in so many areas and confidence in her daily living and social skills. 

Moving forward, she is now in her third year. This year has been much easier than the first two years. Although there are still pockets of sadness and worries, I have come to a place of peace with our decision. I know that we would not have been able to provide the setting that she has at Shepherds College anywhere else, and that it is a wonderful school with caring and very hard-working staff. Everyone has an interest in our daughter and wants to see her be successful. I have high hopes that her final year will be a great one and that she will graduate with a clear future of success. We will be working hard this year to put a plan in place and, although the journey has been more difficult than anything I have ever done thus far in my life, I pray for the grace to support all that Shepherds is providing for her and the faith to journey through this last year with her to a successful graduation."

If you share some of the same feelings and worries, we want to encourage the parents of Shepherds College that your student is going to be okay.  They began their journey with a visit, as well as one or more overnight stays to test the waters.  They have written and expressed a desire to be here in their assessments before enrolling.  We are doing everything we can every day to give them the best college experience from beginning to end.  They are in a safe haven here in Union Grove.  Life will not be perfect, but God is watching over them.  He sees them with His omnipresent eyes.  He knows where they are.  He knows what they are doing.  He longs for them, He loves them, and He also wants only the best for them.  If you are anxious, pause.  Know that you simply cannot protect them all the time, not even when they are at home.  Offer them the gift of space, room to grow, and time to spread their wings.  Even an eaglet has to be pushed out the nest at first.  Stumbles and bruises along the way are merely part of the journey of growing stronger.  They will figure it out.  We will help them.  They will make friends and will surprisingly look forward to coming back to school after holiday breaks.  Love them in letting them go.  Let your mind be at peace.

Your nest is only empty for the school year.  Take heart, they will be back and you will be amazed at all the new things the Shepherds College adventure will bring into their lives. Hopefully, your student’s growth will so delight you that it will make bringing them back for the second or final year easier each time. Each year leads them closer to a more independent future.

This is an amazing place, and God is in it. We are so glad your student is here!  

Peace. 

Be still, and know that I am God. . .  ~Ps. 46:10
 
Shepherds College - Guiding Your Transition to Appropriate Independence. Please visit us at www.shepherdscollege.edu.

With Love, Your Transition Coach

Dear Shepherds College Graduate,

I am so excited about your graduation from Shepherds College! You have spent the last three years studying, growing and planning in anticipation of your next transition toward Appropriate Independence - and now that next transition is here. During your time at Shepherds College, you have taken and met challenges even though I’m sure there were times when you thought the challenges were too great. But you persevered in God’s strength to overcome sometimes enormous obstacles and, as He led you, you are now ready to begin the new journey He planned for you.

As your Transition Coach, I will be there to walk this path by your side as you embark on independent living outside of your college environment. I hope to help you make good decisions, work through problems, and overcome obstacles that arise as you strive to make your way in this new stage of life. You have shown by your diligence that you are ready for the next steps.

I am privileged, and count it a special blessing, to help you make this transition.

I look forward to getting together each week this year – maybe for a meal, a walk in the park, or a visit to your new home – to talk and pray together. We can rejoice over your many successes, cry together if we encounter failures, and work our way through each obstacle. I pray that we can study God’s Word and seek His counsel over difficult issues. I know you will enjoy and be blessed in this new phase of life.

Always remember, you have a Friend who sticks closer than a brother – Jesus. He will be your daily source of strength. Keep Him close to your heart and seek Him every moment. I pray that you continue to grow in confidence and integrity, walking the narrow path of righteousness that you’ve been taught at Shepherds College.

May God continue the good work He has begun in your life and bring you many joys as you follow His path for you.

With Love,

Your Transition Coach

Dear Jesus,

We pray for the Shepherds College graduates as they embark on their continuing path of Appropriate Independence. May You be their source of strength and guidance. When they are doubtful, help them to rely on You and those You bring into their lives to ease their journey. May they find daily joy in living for You and seeking to honor You in all they say and do. We pray 1 Corinthians 10:31 will be the verse they follow to honor You each day. Thank You for the privilege of bringing these graduates into our lives and using us to help them in their next steps. May You be glorified in and through our lives. We ask this in Your name. Amen

Shepherds College Class of 2013

Shepherds College - Guiding Your Transition to Appropriate Independence. Please visit us at www.shepherdscollege.edu.

Part of the Transition

I’ve written to you from several different viewpoints in this blog – Marketing Director, Shepherds College staff member, parent, friend, observer, participant, sister-in-Christ, inexperienced photographer, obsessed foodie – but never from one of my favorite roles – Transition Coach!

Transition Coaches are the volunteers who accept the one-year responsibility of helping a Shepherds College graduate transition from school to independent life. It’s an important, as well as unique role that sets Shepherds College even farther apart from the other post-secondary programs for students with intellectual disabilities.

In June of 2011, Gloria Pavuk, a member of our first graduating class, became my transitionee.  (I know some of you are thinking, “Transitionee? It’s not even a real word!” and you’re probably right, but I like it better the The Transitioned One which Microsoft Word seems to prefer.)

Gloria and I are a lot alike. We both like to read, write and cook. We like to watch movies, eat out and cheer on our favorite football teams. We’re fiercely loyal, committed, hard-working and bossy. I thought we would make a great fit as partners on her journey toward independence. And we were.

It didn’t feel like a natural fit in the very beginning though. There’s over 20 years between us in age. I’m a married woman with four children who has been on my own since I’ve been a teenager, and she was a young single woman just starting to get her footing in the world. At the college, our conversations were general and careful. “How were classes today?” “What are you writing about?” “Can I post this on Facebook?” But now in our new roles we were expected to talk about serious stuff – her budget, her health, conflicts, and relationships. It seemed awkward.

Every week we went out to eat and we talked, and the awkwardness gradually disappeared.  We talked through her problems and worked out solutions. We talked about our families and reminisced about times spent with them in the past. We laughed about embarrassing things that happened at work and cried about failures, disappointments and broken hearts. We discussed short-term and long-term goals and practical ways to make sure she reached them. We even went on double-dates together.

In the year I was her transition coach, the age difference and even her disability disappeared right along with the awkwardness.  We talked and ate and shopped and drove and prayed through the months - and then suddenly my year’s commitment as her coach was over.

We were at Mulberry’s Café when we realized it. “The year is over. I’m no longer officially your Transition Coach. Do you still want to hang out with me?”  

I wanted to make sure Gloria realized that she had a choice as an independent woman. She no longer needed to talk to me about her personal matters. She had proven that she could live on her own. She was holding down two jobs and maintaining an apartment. She had developed many strong relationships in the community and she knew how to handle transportation, medical and other personal issues without much guidance. She also had a good support system with her family even though they were states away from her. She no longer needed a Transition Coach.

She had transitioned.

At Mulberry’s, Gloria took a few moments to answer me… which I was relieved about. I’m sure other Transition Coaches will understand that comment. It meant she was thinking it over, she was considering the alternative. It was another sign that she would be just fine on her own. 

“Well, of course I still want to hang out with you! We’re friends.”

And now we’re another year later, and I just returned to my office from another lunch with her. No volunteer commitment binds us, only a mutual love and respect and desire to invest in each others lives. 

We’re friends.

Shepherds College - Guiding Your Transition to Appropriate Independence. Please visit us at www.shepherdscollege.edu.

Guiding Your Transition

 

I admit… I’ve been a little moody lately.  There is so much going on and it’s hard to take it all in some days.

My oldest son got a great new job and moved out of the house. I feel proud and sad, nervous and excited.  Did I adequately prepare him for the “real world?” 

My younger son is getting ready to head back to college in a few weeks. My heart aches a bit and I feel lonely thinking about another empty bedroom.  Yet, I’m also eager for him to experience everything this  school year will bring – new classes, important testing for his major, internships and international travel.

Megan, the intern who started this blog for me, left on Friday to return home.  Anxiety is starting to set in. Can I maintain the wonderful work she began with Time To Fly?

Ugh.  Too many emotions.

I bet many of you are going through something similar.  If you’re a Shepherds College graduate, you may be job or apartment hunting. You’ve left people you love back at school and now you’re trying to figure out how the philosophy of Appropriate Independence™ will look in your post-college life.

Gloria working at Country Rose after graduation

If you’re a Shepherds College parent, you’re preparing to bring your student to Shepherd College in three weeks. Did you ever imagine, once you found out your child had intellectual disabilities, that you would be dropping them off at college someday?  That you would be shopping for bedding and waste baskets and desk lamps to furnish their dorm rooms? That you would have to hug them, let them go, turn your back and walk to the car while your chest is burning from swallowing way too many tears?  This is the child you imagined caring for the rest of your life, and now you’re supposed to drive off and leave them in the care of someone else??  

College staff help Anne and Kyle move in during orientation

If you’re a Shepherd College student, you may be counting off the days until orientation. You might be excited about making new friends or apprehensive about leaving your parents.  Shopping for new stuff is fun, but packing is a little sad and scary.  Worries and “what ifs” are probably crowding up your brain right now – will the other students like me? What if the classes are really hard? What if I don’t get along with my roommate? Will I like the food? Who’s going to help me with my meds?

Is this what it's like to have a new roommate?

Transitions can be tough, can’t they?

They also can be an exhilarating time of growth and self-discovery! You find out that you’re much stronger than you ever knew. You’re brave, you love adventure, you’re stronger in your faith.  Maybe you’ll realize that change isn’t so scary after all. 

The staff at Shepherds College is here to see you through each step of your transition. We provide orientation and classes to help both students and parents prepare for the college days ahead.  We excel in our communication with parents during the school year. The teachers and residential life staff are always ready to help in all circumstances during your three years here.  Our entire program is designed to make the transition to independence possible. We even train Transition Coaches to support students after graduation!

Brian with his Transition Coach

And the best news of all to get you through these exciting, challenging, scary, busy, nerve-wracking, and did I say exciting days ahead… God is walking through all of it with you. He is the One guiding your transition.

“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9

Shepherds College - Guiding Your Transition to Appropriate Independence. Please visit us at www.shepherdscollege.edu.